Or Asian. Either way, when I think a guy is attractive, most of the time, he seems to be interested in girls that aren’t black. I totally understand that white and asian women need love too; however, I’m tired of feeling like a second class citizen to women that are white or asian as far as beauty, personality, and general disposition goes.

I really shouldn’t despise it, but sometimes I feel some type of way when I see black guys (the self same ones that get mad seeing a black woman with a man of another race… and he’s probably a friend) with women of other races. They’re usually white. If they aren’t white, they’re like asian, or they’re Hispanic and look white. It makes me mad only because these are the interracial relationships that I see the most. It’s not often that I’ve seen a black woman with a nice white man or a man of another race being treated like gold. I do kind of give them the squinted eye glance because I’m pissed off. I’m pissed off because white and asian women in this country will never have a shortage of mates. For one reason or another, they are more often seen as beautiful. 

So what do the black women get as far as love and relationships? We get stuck with the world’s leftovers (most are psychotic, don’t want to commit, sociopathic, emotional f-wits, or are “experimenting” because they’ve never been with a black woman, and want to know what it’s like… I know. This is a run on sentence. You get the point, though. Men that don’t or can’t treasure us), and we’re supposed to accept this bitter fate. Well it’s no wonder that some of us are mad all the time! Yeah we might be a little loud at times, but it’s just the way some of us were raised. Not all of us, though… but every woman has her moments. Sometimes I like being loud because I can be. To heck with what anyone else thinks.

And here’s another thing since I’m ranting: why do guys that don’t want a THING to do with Jesus notice me more than guys that supposedly love Jesus and want a good woman? Why is this?! And THOSE guys wonder why the good Christian women are nowhere to be found! Well you didn’t pay us any mind! We went where the love was. I’m sorry, but if we waited on some of these guys to notice us, we’d be old, infertile biddies… angry with God because of such a lonely fate lived with woodland creatures in a backwoods cottage. Yes. I went there.

Look, say what you all want. I’m tired… and too poor to move away to France where men think I’m the bees’ knees. So there you go. So should I start collecting cats yet? *sigh*… I don’t know. I really shouldn’t. Mostly because I’m allergic, and this wouldn’t bode well with my respiratory system. I don’t know about anyone else, but I’m partial to breathing.

What’s a single, Christian black woman to do? The only good thing about any of this is that I do have the freedom to move around since no one’s picking up my options, anyway. I can’t wait to go back to school. I think I’m just stuck and need to leave home. A change of scenery always changes a person’s outlook for the better. I’m just pissy because it’s taking too long(in my opinion) to get to where I want to go.

*siggghhhh*

Why?

Well... some people want to go on vacation to get away from work, to relax, or they just need to go somewhere else for the sake of being somewhere else.

Why do I want to go on vacation? I want to go on vacation so someone can hit on me.

Yep. I said it.

It just seems that I have more guys trying to talk to me when I'm not at home. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about here? When I think of all of the times that I got hit on or had guys trying to talk to me, I was always away from home. In college, I had guys talking to me here and there. I was still in state when I went to school (both times, actually), but there was a big difference between when I was in high school and  when I went away to school. Granted ,when I went to cooking school, I was commuting... so I was really only about 15-25 miles away from home in University City (if that. I think Center City is 15-20 miles from my house). When I was at cooking school, though... guys talked to me ALL THE TIME. Guys from class, guys on the street, construction workers, taxi drivers, security guards (okay, there was only one security guard)... but you get the point. When I go out of state (like, when I interned in Florida at Disney World or when I went to France both times, particularly the first time), guys went out of their way to talk to me! What is up with this? Whatever is up with it, I need to get out and do something. I need someone talking to me. I can't take this no more. I know I'll be leaving for school next fall (that's a long story because I was supposed to have been gone by NOW), but I can't wait that long. I don't WANT to wait that long. PLEASE get me to some place where some man is going to want to talk to me that I'll actually want to talk to!

What happens when I'm home? NADA.  I go to work and I go to church. Yes there are men that come and go since I work at a retail store... but most of them come with their girlfriends or wives. Or their children, whom they had with their girlfriends or their wives. So no options there. And the guys that actually WORK at my job (which are few and far in between) are either too young (we're talking they may not be legal), and the ones that ain't are: married and I'm not interested in. It's pitiful. So I don't get to talk to guys anymore. It's depressing as arse! I need a hobby. Or another job. Something. I need to work somewhere where I can meet more guys. This is ridiculous. Please don't even ask about guys at church. All of them are married except for two of them (we aren't counting children and teenagers). The two that ain't married I don't want. I even took a good friend's suggestion and tried looking under the pews to see if any good men had been left that I don't know about. All I got were crazy looks from the dust bunnies.

It also doesn't help that I get rather guy shy. I need to really perfect the art of getting a guy to talk to ME since I'm far too shy to actually talk to a guy myself. It's pathetic, I know... especially since I'm not shy about most anything else. I don't know if it's because: I'm old fashioned and think a guy that's interested should take the initiative, the guy is also old fashioned and will be turned off by a girl taking the first step... or if I just don't want to be turned down like a bed sheet. Heck, it could be all 3. Either way, this getting no guys thing is taking a serious shot at my confidence. I've been wondering if I'm just plain unattractive. Even if I was, it just can't be possible that NO MAN thinks I'm attractive. So what's wrong, here??

What's wrong is that your girl is sick and tired. And needs to go on a vacation. One that involves attractive, well sculpted men in grass skirts serving me virgin piña coladas in a coconut.

Hey, a girl can dream!

This is why I need a vacation. So men can hit on me. I try not to rely on or feed off of these things... but a girl needs some of that in her life. Let's not even TALK about the last time I've been on a date or a guy flirted with me. We'd be digging into the news archives.

that is all.

So Hurricane Irene is supposed to hit us. The National Weather Service issued a hurricane and a flood watch for my area. So what does this mean? This means I am in the house with my family waiting on a storm that's supposed to "ravage" us. Well, all it looks like so far is that some rain has been dumped on us, but I ain't seeing ANY of this stuff we're supposed to get! If there's going to be a storm that keeps me stuck in this house, it better be a GOOD one, gosh darnit!

So WHAT happens when Rachel is stuck in a house and can't leave??? She takes unnecessary naps and suffers from the munchies of DOOOOOM!!!!!!!!! (insert dramatic echo on the "doom" part). After I took a much unneeded nap, I got hit with a gnarly case of the munchies! I ate cantaloupe and Goldfish cheddar crackers... and they were on the same plate. That is the orangest snacking I've ever done. After this came more Goldfish crackers, then I noshed on some pineapple that's been in the fridge. All of this eating took place between 30 and 60 minutes. That's ridiculous. But this is exactly what happens when I'm left in a house to my own devices. Once I get through with the snacks, I'll probably nosh my way right out of this house... starting with the front door. Hey, it's wood! (Well, at least it looks like wood). I'll get some fiber out of this!

Really, I have nothing to say other than this. Does anyone have anything to do when you're caged and have cabin fever? Internet ain't cutting it. I need SOMETHING to do besides eat all the food and the sides and door of my house.

HELP!

I pledge allegiance to the pop of color
and to looking like a runway diva
And to Banana Republic, for its classic looks
Lucky Mag for its fashion advice
and TJ Maxx, with savings on clothing for fall.

(you know TJ Maxx had to be involved. I work there, afterall).

that's it for now. I promise a real entry later. Or I might expand this one. I'm in a silly mood.

So on Friday going into Saturday, I was miserable. I was feeling more lonesome than usual and having a rougher time with it than usual. I often feel lonesome, but there are times where it's worse than others. Saturday was one of those times. In the middle of my brooding and depressive mood, I thought to myself, "This is ridiculous. Why should I sit here and be miserable? I'm getting out of the house." As is often the case when I'm in such a mood, the solution was to go out for a walk and get something to eat. Whenever I'm in a mood and want to sort out my feelings (or completely ignore them), I take myself out to eat. It always makes me feel better. Never mind that temperatures were soaring towards 100°F, I needed to take a walk. It would help to clear my head... plus, it's not like I was in a rush, and I wouldn't have had to worry about parking (which is a pain in the arse when you go to State St).

I walked the 3 or 4 miles in the heat (which wasn't as bad as it sounds), and decided on the whim to go to Iron Hill Brewery. I hadn't been there in a while, and I was feeling it. I asked for a table and took a seat. When the waiter came, I ordered a Syrah and gingerly sipped at it while I enjoyed my own company. However, there were people around me that didn't seem to understand that this is what I was doing. As I looked around the dining room, there were people looking at me quizzically like they were utterly baffled. They were probably wondering why this black girl was sitting at a table alone and why she ordered wine in the middle of the day.

I wondered some things about them, myself: why were they staring at me so? I didn't look especially good or especially bad. Did it ever occur to them that I actually WANTED to be by myself? Or did they just wish they had the balls to dine alone? Why does it bother people to see someone dining by themselves... to the point where they will stop talking with whom they're dining to stare at you? I laughed at them and pitied them for pitying me. It's a shame such sympathy was wasted on someone that didn't need it. If only they knew.

I ended up ordering bruschetta (sp?) that had a balsamic glaze on it as well as olive oil drizzled over it. I thought it would be pretty good... but I was surprised to find that it was actually VERY good. In fact, it was so good that I had to ask the waiter to give me a minute... because I considered forgoing dessert to order the bruschetta again. I know what you're thinking... why not order it again AND have dessert? The answer is because I'm on a very tight budget. I was already saying "screw the bills" to have this dinner with myself (that was overdue, really). I know I shouldn't be so irresponsible... but my bank account is already shot, and my little bit of money from that last check wasn't going to fix it THIS week. So screw the bills I did. I was past due for a date with myself. By the way, I ended up getting dessert. I couldn't resist the idea of something called the "chocolate bombe".

When I got this dessert, it looked like a giant truffle with white chocolate drizzled over it, creme anglaise in the middle, and it was surrounded by a moat of raspberry purée. IT WAS GOOD. The beauty of all of this was that the wine I had chosen in the beginning went well with EVERYTHING I ordered. It wasn't the original intention; it just worked out that way. THAT'S when you know you've eaten a good meal. Yeah, I spoiled myself. I ate by myself. And I ain't ashamed or guilty about doing it. If you can't spoil yourself once in a while, I daresay that you're doing yourself a disservice.

I love how this was supposed to be an entry about dining alone, and I mostly talked about the food. Only a foodie...
Okay, well, it was sort of about dining alone... and how I enjoy it generally. I actually prefer going out alone because I always know what I want. It's just too much effort to get someone else on board with what I want to do... and also, your friends aren't always available or up to going out. Or, like me these days, they're broke. They're all good reasons not to go out... it's just that I refuse to wait around and be miserable because no one will go out with me. I'll go out by myself and enjoy myself.

There are times where I wish I was with someone else... but there are also those times where I need space. When I just need to breathe, chill and relax... where I need to let my worries slip away and concentrate on something that I truly enjoy and that makes me feel at peace... and, dare I say it? Happy. Eating alone helps me to do that (shoot, eating in general makes me happy. Let's not kid ourselves). There's no worries, no fears, no stress. Just you and the plate of food in front of you. Good food, reflection, people watching, a good drink... what else could a girl ask for? Maybe some more cash... but hopefully I'll find a solution to that soon enough. But for now... I'll dine alone. Stare if you want, but don't bother feeling sorry. Not for me, at least. I'm thoroughly enjoying myself at a table for one.

that is all.